my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
