Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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