i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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