Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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