I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
