Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
