I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I stole a fireplace last night.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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