I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
He has the fingertips of a God
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