My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
MIDGETS
????
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
