I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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