i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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