I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
