It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
