Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
