I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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