Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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