I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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