I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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