The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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