you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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