I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
FUCK WHALES
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
