I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
