Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
