my mouth tastes like poor choices
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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