how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
