You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
