dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
