i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
