I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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