All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
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He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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