i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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