I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
