Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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