Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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