i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
