So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
