hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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