I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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