So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
