My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
