apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
