The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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