Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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