listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
