Capitaan dildo arrescate!
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
