she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm too high and old for this...
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
