last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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