Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
