I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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