I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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