I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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