So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
