we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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