He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
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I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
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I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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