In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
